11:19 a.m. - 2005-12-05
Rambling....
Dearest Lucian,
You did very well at your Great-Gramma's funeral. I know she would have been so happy to see you ther, if one could be conscience at their own funeral. SHe would have been very happy indeed to see everybody that showed up. It was a avery touching ceremony altogether. You were passed around to grieving friends and relatives alike, and to them you brought strength, hope, love, and laughter. Already you were following in your Great-Gramma's footsteps. Occaisionally, through-out this journal, I will be doing what I can to fill you in on her life. It is of course too much to put into one entry, and it is better to fill you in as time goes by, when you do things that make me think of her, or when she comes to me and reminds me that she wants you to know some particular thing. I cannot express to you how nice it was to come home after all the hub-bub and sleep with my little boy. You are so sweet, and so happy, and so much a comfort to me. I seem to be able to make you happy, too. THis makes me smile. You are so wonderfully bright and alert, and catching on to things WAY to early. I fear that the Lenape woman who told me you'd walk by 4 months, may not be wrong. You seem to be ready to take your first few steps, even though you haven't even mastered rolling over, or holding your head up with your arms extended.... I do not know what to prepare for. Today, as we approached Kinder Care, I heard you squeal with delight, and you were very excited in your chair. When I told the girls there, they said you were still abit young for that response. Nevertheless.... there you were very happy to get back to your friends,a nd your mountain of toys. I dressed you up in your halloween costume again last night so I could take more pictures. YOu cried the whole time. The pictures are priceless, I love you no matter what emotional state you're in, and I think you're the cutest boy whether your smiling, or crying, or sleeping. I love to watch you play, and I love yo watch you learn. I cannot express to you how much I am in love with you. Or how relieved I am to know that I am in love with you. I won't lie, I was never very baby friendly. I never baby-sat, I didn't get excited when people brought babies into the office, I found it fun to do emotional experiments on babies in grocery store lines, to see if I could make a happy baby cry, or make a calm child wiggle. I was NOT what you would call maternal. Somehow, that all changed for you. Well.... actually, I love you, and am VERY good at being your mom, from what I hear, but I still don't like other people's kids, nor do I like other people's parents. I think most moms don't pay enough attention to their kids. I think that too many of them still think that they are more important than their kids. This is not true. What you need comes before my own desires. And hwileI may not really enjoy the Baby Einstein DVDs, I will watch them with you, because you need some well crafted educational videos... even though you are just a baby. I want you to be happy, healthy, intelligent, and confident. I want you to be a problem solver, and I want you to know that you can count on yourself, AND that you can always come to me when you need/want to. I could write in here all day, adn fawn over you with many different words, but I have to get back to doing my job. I miss you terribly when I write in here. I wish I could stay at home with you all day and play with you. Unfortunately, somebody has to feed us, and house us. Oh well. Someday, maybe I'll be so lucky as to find a REAL man who can take care of us financially so that I can. until then, we'll just have to make the most of the time we have.
I love you!!!
Mommy
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