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1:54 p.m. - 2006-05-07
Happy Birthday, Daddy!
Dearest Lucian,

Today is Daddy's birthday! If we had more money, we would get him something from you for him... what do you think he would like? He's into video games.. he has the PSP and the PS2. He loves going to the movies. Do you think he has Jarhead yet? He likes Spider-man... maybe you could give him a picture of you in your Spider-man outfit? I know that on my dad's birthday, I like to spend time with him. Unfortunately, between his work schedule, and his prison master.. er, wife, there will be no chance for you to see him, today.
I had been trying to keep from saying mean things about her in these letters to you, because I didn't want you to learn to be petty from me, but the truth of the matter is, you have a little sister whom you may never meet because the awful woman who is mother to her is so selfish, and stupid that she won't ever allow her daughter to meet her big brother. Which is a shame, because I think you would make a great big brother. And since Riley's mom doesn't work, and she doesn't live all that frar from us, you two could play together, and be close as siblings can be. I know that I have friends who are only-children, who have cousins that they grew up playing with, and they were as close as siblings.

But Riley's mom is such a useless piece of flesh, that she doesn't think about her daughter's happiness, or the happiness of her husband who tries to be good to her even though she doesn't deserve it. If she cared at all about her family, she would let your sister come play with you. She would let your dad come visit you. I'm not saying she has to trust me, or your dad to be decent human beings. I mean why would a woman trust her husband? It's not like it says right in the vows to love and obey, trust, and yada... And besides, it's perfectly normal to choose to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust as far as you can throw them. I can see why they're together. But even if she doesn't trust me or your dad, she could come with your daddy to visit with us. Then she could maintain her tight grip on the pants in the family, and still be a good mother, and wife. But she is not a good mother. She lives at home with her parents, and no doubt she relys on them for everything. She claims to be 'independant' but she has never lived on her own. She has always been 'dependant' on someone to take care of her. She is a lousy human being, and I hope that Riley doesn't grow up to be like her. Because of course when she is 18 (if not before), I would like to meet Riley. I would like for her to know that she has a big brother, who would have liked to spent his childhood playing with her, and loving her the way big brothers do. I hope to have more children of course. I hope to provide you with siblings to play with and look after. To give you a nice big family so you can learn different personalities, and how to deal with them. But if I am not so fortunate as to give you the gift of siblings, I wish you could at least get to know the ones your father has created.

Sorry, this was supposed to be a quick note to tell you that today is your father's birthday. He is 37 this year. And, I'm sure he loves you very much and is very sad that he doesn't get to see you on his birthday.

Hopefully, before I give you these letters to read, Riley's mom will have turned over a new leaf, and decided to be a better person than she is now. Hopefully she will realize what a psycho she is to keep you separated from your father just because he has a long history of cheating on his girls. I mean he HAS cheated on every single woman he's ever claimed to love... I'm sure he wasn't faithful to me, either, but I have no proof. But she knew this before she married him (he was cheating on the mother of your older sister with her before they got married), so if she wasn't prepared to live with that, then she should never have married him. And she definately shouldn't have had a baby with him... but mostly because she shouldn't have bred at all.

I don't want you to grow up to be petty. I also don't think I'm being petty. This is a big deal. If I had siblings that I never met, I would be a very sad girl. I would want to know what they were like. I would want to know them, and think of them as family. One can never have 'too big' of a family. And one can never have too many people to love, or that love them. It's ok to be angry when someone is hurting you. It's not ok to choose to not like someone based on what style shoes they wear... that's petty. And perhaps saying all of this to you in a letter isn't the best way to handle my anger, but I promised you in the first letter that you would get to see all of me. That I would not hide who I am from you. And I am ANGRY. I am hurt that your dad, who seemed like such an intelligent guy, would waste his time with a woman who cares so little for him, when he could be with a woman and son who want so much to have him in their lives. Riley's mother has her head stuck so far up her ass, that she doesn't even think other people exist, or have feelings. She doesn't realize that she is harming the two people (Daddy and Riley) who should mean so much to her by being so petty as to not allow us to be a part pf her extended family. But then, what should we expect from a woman who thinks it's possible for grandparents to pick favorites? She obviously has no idea what it's like to really love someone... not even her poor daughter.

I don't expect her to love you. I don't expect her to love me. I don't even expect that she should like me... I certainly don't like her. But I do think of Riley as part of our extended family. I have and will continue to do all I can to make sure that Riley is as happy as possible. Right now, there isn't much I can do. But as she gets older, I hope to be able to do more. It's not her fault that her mom is such a piece of shit. And since her mom is such, she's prolly going to need our help a lot.

I know you, with your loving smile and your comforting hugs, won't mind helping out your little sister. Of coure I promise not to put her before you. You are the "light of my life," and I intend to keep you front and center. And having a little sister, may someday be real important to you. And I want to make sure that she survives being raised by an emotional mongoloid, so that you have every opportunity to love her.

I think we should probably call Daddy tonight when he is awake to sing him happy birthday. And if I can catch you on tape singing the way you do in the car, I'll play that for him, and tell him it's "Happy Birthday!" If not he'll have to settle with you chewing on the phone while I sing.

It's time to get today staryed. You seem to be feeling much better today. yesterday, you were in so much pain beacuse you have three teeth coming in at once, and your mouth is VERY sore. But with a bit of Tylenol, and lots of hugs, you made it through a rough night. and today you seem to be a bit better. But you still need Tylenol to keep your smiles beaming. And it's almost time for your next dose. After that kicks in, we'll get a bath, and go shopping for food, and then we'll come home and get the video games working. And then I'll show you the fascinating world of Mario Party 3.
There is so much to be done this week. I have to take you in for x-rays to find out if you have large abnoids.. or whatever (tonsils). Then it's off to any number of doctors to find out if there is a surgery free solution to your problems. We also have to clean this house up so you can have free reign of the main floor. I also want to put the slide on your play gym outside, so we can have fun going down the slide. I need to get more exercise, so maybe I'll also take the jogging stroller down to the gas station today and put air in the tires so we can go to the park and go roller balding, or something. Whew! Can you believe that we have so much to do? I am so glad that ou are a happy boy. because I couldn't imagine doing all of this, and making our Mother's Day presents if I had a colicy baby, or an angry baby.

Sometimes I wonder what everyone was talking about when they said that being a mother was hard work. Then I realize that you're only 8 1/2 months old, and there's still plenty of time for you to make my life hell. So far, though.. you've been cake.

You're doing the indian noise. I think that's so cute.

I can't believe how much you've grown in the past few weeks. I mean physically you're still pretty small. But you say Mama, and Pa-pa, and you do the indian noise, and you play "If you're happy and you know it" and you are so adventerous. You'll go anywhere your little legs can carry you. Which is good, because I'm relying on you to be my rollercoaster partner when you grow up. With all these teeth coming in at once, you have been drooling more than I have ever seen in your life. It's thick and stringy and gross. But in a small way, it's kinda cute to see you behaving like every other baby.

Ok, this letter is getting to be waaaaaay too long. (I know, it was way too long 8 paragraphs ago...) In the future, I'll try to keep my bitching about Riley's mom to one of my other journals. I know that you'll have plenty of time to form your own opinion of her, and it's not right for me to use your letters as a way to bitch. Just with it being your dad's b-day and all, I felt you should know why he isn't here playing with you, or accepting some hand-made card from you. I hope you two get to know one another before you're too old to care.

I love you with every ounce of my being,

Mommy


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