7:05 p.m. - 2006-06-05
AAAAAAAAAH!
Dearest Lucian,
I am sooooo tired! I haven't slept a wink. I 'm soooooo tired, my mind is on the blink.
You have been keeping some strange hours lately. I know I have not been the best at keeping you scheduled, but this is crazy! Two nights ago, you woke up at 3:30am, and decided to stay up. Until 1pm. Fortunately, Pete was nice enough to make a deal with me. If I let him sleep through the night, he would let me sleep through the morning. He did a good job. He fed you , and played with you, and let you pass out on the floor for exactly one hour. Last night, you managed to sleep through the night (with your usual mid-night wakings for feeding and comfort), but you haven't taken any naps today. I know that if I get this job from tomorrow's interview, I probably won't get a nap during the day, but as of yet, I've gotten kind of used to it.
I just tried to take you up to bed for a nap, but you just played, and threatened to throw yourself off the bed. You've discovered lately that you like to scream. I mean, you and I have beeen playing the "who can scream louder?" game for a while. But that was usually in a controlled situation. We would sit and take turns screaming and laughing, and all was jolly. Now, you just scream for everything. Hungry? "AAAAAAAAH!" Tired? "AAAAAAAAH!" This is the most frequent: Bored? "AAAAAAAAAH! To be honest, I don't even mind listening to you scream. So the bored scream doesn't work... unless it happens when I'm trying to sleep. Then, it works like a charm... after threee or four trys to help you find a better cuddling position.
The longer you're alive, the more I realize that I'm a lousy mother. As an infant, allI had to do was keep you alive, dry, and fed. Now, I have to make sure that I am consistant with discipline; I have to be sure not to yell at you to much; I have to start to watch my language, because you WILL start talking soon, whether I like it or not. Which, I haven't decided on, yet. I know that you will love being able to communicate your needs better, and I will love to hear the amazing things you come up with to say, but I'm going to miss my little dependant baby. I'm going to miss being able to "talk for you," decide that I know what you are thinking just because of the face you're making, or because it's what I want you to think.
I wonder if I'll keep this journal as diligently if I can talk to you? (Although, I admit, that I don't actually write in here as much as I had intended.)
I love you tons!!!!!
Mommy
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