10:38 p.m. - 2006-02-10
no jobs allowed
Deearest Lucian,
I'm sorry, swetheart. I don't think I got the job. It's been driving me crazy, you know? Like the conversation with the bully that didn't go well? You get home and you think of all the things you should've said... wel, yeah. I realize how many mistakes I made during the interview, and I just feel dumb. And it's been 9 hours since the interview, and all I can do is go over it and over it in my head. It would have been so cool to have this job, baby. I would've been able to send you to day care which you desperatly need for the social interaction, and the time learning that my insecurities don't allow for. I rush to your every cry, and I do everything for you. Even though I know I shouldn't, even though I know you need to develop skills and self-confidence, I can't help but run to hold my sweet boy when he cries. Also, I have felt for a long time that you've needed more, or better toys, but I haven't been able to afford them. This job would've given me the oppurtunity to buy them.
Also, this job would've given me some self-esteem. Hopefully enough that you could've learned positive thinking by example. it also would've put us on a tighter schedule which would mean you'd eat on a more regular schedule. i don't starve you by any means, but I think you'd eat more cereal and fruits and vegetables if you were on a better schedule. You know, wake up at 6, breast feed, get ready for day care, have a 'jar' of fruit for breakfast, a bottle for lunch, and cereal and a vegetable for dinner. As it is, you breastfeed most of the day with a helping of cereal and fruit/vegetable once daily, but it's never at the same time. Sometimes it's at 2pm, sometimes it's around 7pm, somedays, you don't get it at all, because you don't have regular sleeping or eating patterns, and I drag you all over creation on a daily basis. You're growing, and you're healthy, and active and alert, and happy, so I don't know how badly I'm screwing up, but I know that even healthy looking people have issues if they're not eating properly.
This is so dumb. You fell asleep at 7:30 tonight, and I was exhausted by then, so I came home and put you to bed, and laid down with you to get a nap of my own, or an early bedtime, and instead of falling asleep, all I can think about is how much I screwed up this interview, and thereby our lives. I don't know when I'll get another interview. I don't know if when I do it will be for a job that can pay me as well as I know I deserve. And as well as you and I need. You daddy isn't paying his full portion of child support, and that means that we don't really have enough income to survive on. Your Aunt Carmela is saving our lives by taking us grocery shopping, so there's enough food for both of us, but I wish I could do so much more for you. And for me.
I'm tired. I know I am. I know that if I could get these stupid thoughts out of my head, I'd get some sleep, and tomorrow things may look brighter, but I hate knowing that I did so poorly in that interview today. I'm getting too old to be able to get every job I interview for. I'm getting to the point where the jobs I want/need require better skills, more experience, some schooling.... something. Certification, something. And I don't have it. and the age old question of "Well, how am I supposed to get the experience, if no one will hire me?" comes around, but I know the answer now. Take the lower paying job, work at it for years, move around in the company until you've done every job available, then move to a new company. The problem with this is that I waited too long to figure it out, and now, I'm 25, I have a son who needs to be taken care of and I can't afford to take jobs with a salary of less than $32,000. Day care will cost $229/wk. That's $816 a month. Plus Grandpa wants $800 a month rent, thats $1616 a month for day care and rent. That doesn't include gas, food, toys or anything else. We can manage on $32,000, but in order to live comfortably, we would need closer to $34,000. That's what this job could've done. We could've had everything we wanted, and we wouldn't have had to worry about big scary things like bills, doctors, flat tires, and so on.
I screwed up today, honey. Big time. I'm so sorry. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Maybe, next time I get an interview I'll rehearse ahaead of time. Maybe next time I'll get the job. Offers are so scarce, though.
I'm sorry this letter isn't all peace and light. I do love you, and eventually I will get us on track. I promise.
I love you,
Mommy
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