3:19 p.m. - 2006-04-24
Updates and Spring Cleaning
Dearest Lucian,

MY GOODNESS! It's been a long time since I've written you. So much has happened. Pete and I took you for your first day in the park. You played on the swings, and went down the slide. Together, you and I played on the merry-go-round, and the rockin' dino.

Your Daddy and I went to the township where you were born, and we changed your last name. I should put this down somewhere, in case you ever ask me about it, or are curious about it at all. Three days before you were born... hmm. maybe i should go back a bit further....

When your Daddy and I found out we would be having you, we were VERY excited. We talked about where we would live, and how we would work hard to be able to afford to give you everything your little heart desired, and how for a time at least we'd only be able to afford to give you everything you needed. We discussed names, and we got excited thinking of which schools to send you to, and how we were going to raise you. Then as time moved forward, we realized that while you were definately going to be an awesome kid, we weren't going to be able to raise you together. Even though Daddy and I loved each other very much (and still do) we couldn't BE together. It just wouldn't work. The personalities that we once thought were a perfect match, only drove us crazy when we really thought about it. So your Daddy moved back home to his parents' house, and I kept the apartment. I was alone. I was pregnant. I was scared. I didn't think I could raise you by myself. I didn't think I'd know the first thing about feeding you, or changing your diaper, and how would I ever teach a little boy how to pee standing up? I still worry that I won't be good at disciplining you nad having fun with you. I still worry that I will try to hard to be your friend, that you'll lose respect for me, or I'll be so hard on you that you won't want me to come to your 21st birthday party. But when I was pregnant, and full of crazy hormones, I thought it would be more than just difficult and scary, I thought it would be impossible. So, when a boy I had dated briefly in High School came along, I saw my saviour. He loved kids, and while he had none of his own, he had many nieces and nephews on whom he had practiced things like changing diapers, and feeding bottles. He helped me fold and put away your baby clothes, he helped plan your shower, he put together the nursery... so when he asked me to marry him, I said yes. And three days before you were born, we tied the knot. (Hence, when you were born, you were given his last name) Shortly after you and I came home from the hospital, however things started to go sour. By the time you were a month and a half old, I was taking you on a long drive out to see your godfather in Indiana, and to see the town where I grew up in Pittsburgh, PA. I was using this time away from my husband to think about things. Think about how you and I might survive on our own, and whether I really loved my husband (Jeff) or if, as I suspected, I was just a scared little girl doing dumb things to try and better my life. While I was away, I decided to try to make things work, but even that didn't last. I realized that I'd rather be scared and alone, than have you growing up in a household where mommy and "daddy" scream at each other all the time. So, on November 11, 2005, Jeff moved out. Today, we're not yet divorced, but that is only because I haven't been able to pay the lawyer for all the work she has done for me so far. But I went down to the Voorhees Municipal building, and I started the work for your last name to be Meade-Crouse. My maiden name (and hopefully soon, my only name) is Meade, and your Daddy's last name is Crouse. So. There. Now you know what your name has been so far. Of course if things work out with Pete and me, he may adopt you if you let him, and then your name would be Christinzio... you have a complicated life my sweet. And I'm afraid it's all my fault.

On to other updates. Pete and I went to tFloriday during easter week, and you stayed here in Jersey with my Dad, your Grandpa. The two of you went and visited the Easter Bunny, and took pictures. He also enrolled you in Day-care, which you absolutely love. From what I hear, you and Grandpa had a lovely time, and he was sad to give you back. When I first came home, you seemed happy to see me, but very angry at me for leaving. Today is the first Monday after the vacation, and I took you to Day-care. We'll see how you handled that in a few moments when I go to pick you up.

I added some pictures to my computer, and I think I will try to spend tomorrow actually prettying up this site so as to have some pics to go along with the stories. I will also be reading the entries thus far, and try to fill in the gaps. There have been many gaps.

I have to get in the shower now, so that I may be clean and pretty when I come to get you.

I love you the mostest!
Mommy

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